CJs was a sports bar across town that no one went to. I'd just finished faking my way through my first final and didn't want to see anyone. After Marie's late night phone call it seemed easier to just avoid everyone. It was early afternoon when John walked in. He was surprised to see me but after a moment he dragged a chair up to the table I was sitting at.
"You always watch soccer here in the middle of the afternoon?" He asked.
"Do you?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"You know Georgia is worried about you." I said.
"I could say the same about you."
"So you're alright?"
"I'm about the same as I've been."
"But you're not staying at your place."
"There was a fire in the basement, my power's been out."
"But you're not staying at Cindy's?"
"I've been staying in a hotel."
"Well, it's your money."
"It's my dad's money."
"And I'm sure he's proud of how you're spending it."
"What's your fucking problem? What do you care how I spend anything."
"I don't, but it's always something with you. The power's out, there's a chemical spill, there's asbestos in the walls. And now we're sitting in a sports bar where no one goes in the middle of the day. I'm sure we're both healthy, well adjusted individuals."
"So why are you here?"
"I might not be graduating and even if I am, the best thing I've got going for next year is maybe getting a job with Ryan's consulting group. Ryan has gone insane, my apartment is mission control for what's going to be the biggest clusterfuck of the year. Marie isn't talking to me and oh yeah, my professor for my independent research seminar shot himself in the face. So take your pick."
"You're an asshole."
"Why am I an asshole?"
"Your professor shot himself, really?"
"It was in the papers."
"Damn. Sorry."
"Forget it." I said "So why aren't you staying at your place?"
"What do you mean?"
"I hear you're MIA. So?"
"I don't know. I went home a month, maybe a month and a half ago. The weekend I got the doctor or lawyer speech. And when I got back to my place I just freaked out. I just didn't know what I was doing or why I bothered. So I could grow up and be a lawyer? All I could see was my dad's face, slightly red after three cocktails. I could see that he just wanted to tell everyone that his son was in law school. His son was doing something important. Carrying on the family tradition. And my mom, she's already starting look at firms I should interview with. I haven't even taken the LSAT yet and she's picked out where I'm going to work.
I guess I'm lucky. Cindy came by that night because I wasn't answering my phone and she found me sitting in the dark drinking gin and eating my roommate's antidepressants. She got me to check into one of those 72 hour hospital observation things but it sucked so I checked myself out the next night and went to the bar."
"You checked yourself out of a suicide watch to go to a bar?"
"Yeah. But I mean I'm okay now. I just don't like being in that apartment anymore. So I'm staying at a hotel until the end of the quarter. It's nice. They do my laundry and the room service is pretty good." He stopped. "Plus, you're the one with the problems. All my professors are still alive."
"Thanks asshole."
"At least we can tell Georgia we had our little talk."
She had been right though. We both felt a little better and when John waved the waitress over, we ordered a couple of beers and a round of shots. That afternoon it was fun again, to sit around and get drunk with a friend. For once we didn't talk about graduation or jobs or what other people were doing. When we left we had to call a taxi. Neither of us could walk straight, much less drive. The cab dropped me off in front of Lynn's.
"Are you drunk?" She asked when I came in.
"No." I laughed.
"You're hammered. It's finals week." She said. I thought she sounded mad but when I looked up, she just looked worried.
"Woo!" I said
"Go to bed." She said and went back to studying.
I was lying in Lynn's bed. I could see her neighbors through her bedroom window. They were in the middle of moving and they had cardboard boxes stacked high around the living room. There were no shades on the windows. I couldn't tell if they were moving in or out but they were pissed, slamming the boxes down, waving their hands. I watched them pace back and forth and I could see them yelling. It was like watching TV on mute.
The need to call Marie came over me like a wave. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her about the neighbors. I hadn't talked to her since that night she'd called me but I knew she would love this. I flipped my phone open a few times, scrolling through my address book until I found her name but I didn't have the courage to dial. Maybe I just didn't have the words if she answered. There wasn't anything left for me to say. "Hey I'm lying on Lynn's bed watching her neighbors fight and its really funny" didn't seem to cut it.
It didn't matter. In a week or two everything that had happened would be forgotten if not necessarily forgiven. I would safely fade into just another college mistake that she could write off to bad judgment. It was probably easier for her that way. And I'd never had to admit to Lynn that Marie had existed. I didn't know what Lynn and I were but I didn't want her to think I was hiding Marie from her. If she didn't know about Marie, what didn't I know about? She'd been seeing Jason behind his girlfriend's back. She'd never been good at the monogamy thing.
Lynn came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. When she kissed me water dripped on my nose.
"Why me?" I asked her.
"What?
"Why me. Why did you ask me and not someone else to go to the memorial? Why me and not someone else." She was looking at me like I was crazy.
"Because you've always been a good friend to me and I wanted a friend with me."
"But there are a hundred guys out there who would have gone."
"Did you want me to ask someone else? I'm sorry it was such an inconvenience."
"It's not that ... I just mean ... look I wasn't trying to save you." I was pacing at this point. I didn't know what I wanted to say.
"Is that what you think you did? You saved me?" I could hear her anger.
"No. I mean, in a way. It's just that I used to know where I stood with you, you know? All those other fuckers, you were always trying to sleep with you. We used to be friends. I used to know where I stood with you, there weren't any secrets."
"What are you talking about?"
"Are you sleeping with anyone else?"
"Why would you even ask that?"
"Is that a yes?"
"You know, you can be a real asshole sometimes."
I left before either of us said anything else.
---
Chapter 18 | Suicide and Keg Stands Index | Chapter 20
Posted by Ben Corman at 9:40 AM