Hello World - July 21, 2008

I don't fight / I don't argue / I just hit that bitch with a bottle
~Miss B

I'm back from Alaska. Pictures are online here.

I'm still recovering from the trip. I miss my early twenties when I could go out every night, survive on four hours of sleep and treat my body like an immigrant in a sweatshop with no ill effects. Now, if I skip my morning cup of coffee I'm like a head trauma patient the rest of the day.

So in hindsight the decision to book myself on the redeye home was probably a poor one. At the time I did it, I thought it would be easier and cheaper than spending money on a hotel or hostel in Anchorage. I didn't figure that as the trip was drawing to a close we'd all be going out more and I'd only be getting about four hours of sleep a night in a cold tent pitched on a rocky beach.

By the time I got on the plane at midnight, all I wanted to do was sleep. Alaska Air had fucked me into a middle seat but I didn't care. Since I was just going to pass out for the next six hours, I would have been content to fly in the lavatory if I had to. Now, I'm not really in a position to make fun of people's weight, as I'm not as svelte as I once was, but the girl in the window seat had me by about 60 pounds. She literally had to fight the armrest down past her thighs when she spotted me coming. I may be heavy, but I still fit into the airline seats.

The kid in the isle seat wasn't a lightweight either but he didn't look like something poured into a garbage bag and left in the sun to ferment. He was, however, wearing a plaid shirt, beard, Che Guevara baseball cap and designer sunglasses. He could have been the spokesman for an Alaskan Fifth Avenue, equal parts fashion and wilderness.

But that's not what bothered me about these two. What bothered me was the "sheep to the slaughter" looks of happiness they wore. It's the kind of look that only comes from the abdication of any sort of independent thought. And looking around, there were a bunch of them. Alaska Air hadn't just fucked me into a middle seat. They'd fucked me into a middle seat in a nest of Jesus Freaks.*

So I squeeze myself into the seat and close my eyes. This is the conversation:

Girl: I so totally read the ticket wrong. Do you want this seat? I totally thought I had the window seat.
Guy: No, it's okay. I had the window seat on the way here.
Girl: I totally didn't do it on purpose. Are you mad? Don't be mad.
Guy: It's okay.
Girl: I just read it wrong. We can switch.
Guy: Maybe we can switch like halfway through the flight.
Girl: Okay, yeah. That's a good idea. (To her friend in another isle): Did you see what happened I totally read the ticket wrong. I'm in his seat. Isn't that funny?

She kept rambling about her inability to read but I managed to fall asleep so I'm not sure what happened next. I would have probably slept all the way to Los Angeles but I woke up to the guy shaking my shoulder.

Me: Huh? What? Did we land already?
Guy: No we're just about to take off.

It was at this point that I realized that he was holding hands with the fat girl next to me and with the girl across the isle from him. In fact, it looked like all the jesus freaks were holding hands. I had a sick feeling in my stomach.

Guy: We always say a prayer before we take off.

Let me stop here. Normally I'm a pretty even-tempered guy. I don't like jesus freaks but I'm content to let them do their thing as long as they let me do mine. Normally if someone asked me if I wanted to pray, I would just say no and leave it alone. So I don't have an explanation for what came out of my mouth next.

Guy: Would you like to say a prayer with us?
Me: I'd like to fist fuck your teeth into the back of your head.

And that was it. Even with the engines running, my voice clearly carried over the whole group who all immediately stopped talking to stare at me. I'm convinced that you could have heard a pin drop. In that moment, with them all grasping for a reaction I was afraid I would start laughing hysterically and I wouldn't be able to stop. It was so absurd, especially because I had simply meant to say no and close my eyes again. Seen from their side, I must have gone from a slightly dirty, very tired looking backpacker to a raving violent lunatic in the space of a few seconds.

Instead, I just crossed my arms and, pressed between my two fat jesus freaks, I fell asleep. The next time I opened my eyes was on the final approach into LAX.

Anyway, the pictures are here. Enjoy.

*Now before I get a ton of self-righteous indignant email let me explain something. I understand there are many people out there who are down to earth, smart, rational thinkers who also have faith. I have no quarrel with you. It's the "We're doing this for Jesus!" crowd that I dislike. If you've ever snowboarded for jesus, or skateboarded for jesus or done any other normal activity in the name of jesus instead of in the name of simple enjoyment then you should stop reading my site. I don't want you here.

Posted by Ben Corman at 4:19 PM

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Comments

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I usually read your site from my google reader, but I had to follow the link here and comment on this, because that. was. AWESOME.

I am even less tolerant of religion than you, I don't think there is such a thing as a rational thinker with faith - but even I wouldn't have been that uncouth. HAHA. I literally laughed aloud when I read that.

Posted by: Jahed at July 21, 2008 05:56 PM

I'd make a comment about my Christian faith here, but Jesus Freaks just crack me up (and embarrass me).

Glad you made it back safely!
So what was the final score between you and Nature?

Posted by: Mel at July 21, 2008 07:37 PM

Mel,

I'm not sure what the final score was, I lost count somewhere in the middle when we were tied and it was just pissing rain and cold. But the end of the trip was beautiful with amazing weather, I didn't get mauled, eaten, bitten, trampled, or gored and the last day of pictures was really good. So I figure I win.

Of course, I've spent the last two days just exhausted out of my mind, so that's something.

Posted by: Ben Corman at July 21, 2008 10:15 PM

Thank Jesus you're back. I've missed this.

Posted by: Laura at July 22, 2008 06:02 AM

I just found your site a week or so ago while I was at work. I think this entry made me almost pee myself laughing. It probably didn't help that I already have to go.
Thanks for making me smile. :)

Posted by: Mandi at July 22, 2008 07:49 AM

I'm insanely jealous of your trip, man. Great pictures, I hope you find the time and the words to write about some of it.

And I think if I were confronted with that flight experience after I'd just seen all that you did, I wouldn't have said a word, I'd just have done it.

And then slept soundly as my fist bled out onto the seat.

Boy needs a lesson in waking a sleeping animal.

Posted by: Scott at July 23, 2008 08:22 AM

I feel your pain Ben. I took off to Vegas on Friday. On the flight I sat in the middle seat between a married couple. I figured out they were married after about 10 seconds and asked if either wanted to switch seats. The guy, who looked like an anorexic turtle, says "Nope. I hate the middle."

I turn to his blonde hair, buffalo of a wife, and she says "Sorry I enjoy looking out the window." At this point, I pulled my book out and started reading - well, I should say tried to start reading but between all the chips, bottles, blankets, pillows, magazines and whatnot being passed over top of me, and the constant inane chatter of "hon, this. Babe, that", it was a little difficult.

I'd failed to pre-check-in for my flight, so all my friends were seated together eight rows behind me tossing back drinks. They sent a beer up to me, which I downed to ease my annoyance. Ten minutes later the attendant came back with a second beer, and by that point I was too aggravated to even drink. Finally, the fat woman dozes off with a snore that sounded like a bubbling bong. I enjoy an hour and a half of moderate silence until the captain announces we're landing. The wife wakes up and talks over me the whole time while munching on a bag of sun chips. The incessant crunching and wafting sunchips aroma made my flight's last minute as painful as possible.

The plane lands and the fat wife is sure to bitch about the pilot being "too aggressive in his landing." I'm literally cringing and white knuckled, because, like you, I possess almost infinite patience. "Gawd... jesus," she continues "the pilot must be a maniac" as the plane gently comes to a stop. Then she looks to her husband and says "honey can you pass me some of your water." Arms reach over top of me, and the wife grabs the bottle. She tilts her head back, takes a long gulp, turns her head towards her husband and says breathing right into my cheek "AHHHHHHH that's just what a needed."

I snap, "your breath is fucking terrible."

"Excuse me. Well, I'm sorry we can't all be fresh and clean after a 2 and a half hour flight." She replies.

"It's two and a half fucking hours. Honestly, I've never seen two more inconsiderate fuckups in my life. You're both disgusting and retarded."

She doesn't even reply, and looks out the window until I get up and leave. Her turtle husband acts like nothing happened until I push past him into the aisle. After getting my bag, I'm walking into the washroom to take a leak and absolutely losing my mind trying to describe the flight's events to my buddy. As we turn to the urinals, there's turtle guy. I kept on ranting at an even louder volume. Fucking idiots, I swear.

Posted by: Gris at July 23, 2008 11:37 AM

Had I been in your situation, I probably would have gone will the classic American Psycho line, "Not if you want to keep your spleen." However, I think your comeback is far more creative and threatening. If I use it in the future, I'll be sure to attribute my source.

Posted by: NSG at July 31, 2008 02:35 PM