Suicide and Keg Stands - Chapter 16 - February 11, 2008

Ryan was pacing back and forth when I opened the door. Bits of paper, mostly bar napkins and post-it notes were clenched between his fingers. He was reading off of them.

"Hey" He said when he saw me walk in. "How's this sound? We get blocks of ice with channels cut in the for people to do shots off of."

"What?"

"For the party."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Or we could freeze the bottom half of the liquor bottles in blocks of ice to keep them cold. If we rented a bar it would look sick to have them all lined up. Plus we'd have taps."

"I think my professor shot himself in the head."

"What? That's not funny."

"I'm not trying to be funny."

"Then stop saying weird shit like that. Now what do you think is better?"

"Whatever. I don't care."

"I'm doing this for you."

"Don't. I'm not even sure I'm graduating."

"Yes you are. Shut up." He said and he was still looking at the scraps of paper when I let myself out.

Lynn was home and she let me use her shower while she washed what I had been wearing the night before. We sat on the couch together, me in a towel her in a bathrobe. We sat under a blanket watching TV.

"So what's up?" She asked.

"Nothing."

"You normally don't show up here and ask to shower and wash your clothes. So," She dragged the word out. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

"You fighting with your roommate?"

"No."

"So you just wanted to use my shower."

"Maybe I was just hoping to get lucky."

"Maybe you will if you tell me what's going on."

"My professor for my independent study seminar shot himself in the face."

"In class?"

"On a beach."

"You're kidding?"

"I wish I was."

"When?"

"Last week I guess."

"Are you doing alright? Were you close to him?"

"I never really went to that class. Just showed up in time to find out he was dead. This skinny little Asian guy told us the whole story yesterday."

"Wow."

"You want to get something to eat?" I asked her.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"I don't know. These things just sort of happen. I try not to think about them."

"Oh. You don't have class today?"

"I'm taking a mental health day."

"What's that?"

"It means I want to spend the day with you."

"Then lets get something to eat."

John and Georgia were sitting at a café and waved us over. After a moment we sat with them.

"Hey peoples." Georgia said when we sat.

"Hey."

"Your roommate called me." Georgia said to me.

"I'll tell him to stop." I said.

"No, it's ok. He wanted to invite me to your graduation party."

"You're having a graduation party?" Lynn asked, surprised.

"No."

"He said you'd say that." Georgia said.

"Ryan is throwing a graduation party. He just expects me to be there."

"So am I invited?" Lynn teased.

"You can have my invite." I told her.

"What are you two up to today?" Lynn asked.

"Tim and I are going to catch a movie this afternoon."

"Sounds romantic." I said.

"What is it about Tim that you don't like?"

"I like Tim just fine. Invite him to lunch. Lets have a Tim appreciation day."

"Don't listen to him," Lynn said. "Are you two dating now?"

"No. I don't know. It's not that serious." Georgia said.

The waitress came over to take our order. John looked after her.

"What's with the sad eyes?" Georgia asked. "Don't tell me you've already broken up with Cindy."

"No. That girl. I used to see her at parties. She graduated like two years ago and she's still working here."

"See Georgia, we're doomed."

"Doomed." She said. We sat for a moment then Lynn asked John.

"What are you doing after graduation?"

"I'm so sick of that question." John said. "No one really cares what I'm doing after graduation. It's conversational masturbation. We spent the first two years asking each other what our major was and the last two years asking what we're doing after graduation. Why don't we ever talk about what we're really interested in?" Everyone sat in silence for a moment.

"So what," Lynn asked when it was clear no one else was going to, "are you interested in?"

"I don't know anymore." John sighed. "I used to care about things. I thought I was going to be one of those people who made a difference. Who did something important, you know?"

"But not now?"

"I used to lie about it. Tell people that I was going to do Teach For America or I was going to teach English in Korea. Anything. I'd tell them anything because I hated not having anything to say. I hated that all we ever asked each other was what we were doing after graduation and I didn't have anything to say."

"So you've started telling the truth?"

"No. I just don't have the energy to make shit up anymore." John looked like he might crack. His face was frozen in a way that looked painful and he stared past us. "I always wanted to be one of those interesting people that had something to say. The person that other people want to be around. And now I don't even have that. My parents are always telling me 'of course you have choices honey, you can be a doctor or a lawyer'. That's all they care about. Being able to show me off to their country club. And since I'm a big pussy and all I do is take their money, I'll probably end up going to law school. Another three years of my life wasted because I can't think of anything better to do."

***

When I walked into class someone had left a copy of the campus paper on a desk and I grabbed it as I passed by. The front page was a profile on Professor Drake. His smiling face plastered there as a half page picture. I didn't realize until just then that I hadn't known his name. The details for the memorial service ran across the top of the picture. Tomorrow night at eight in front of the library. The chancellor was going to speak.

"Yo. You know that guy?" said the kid sitting next to me, leaning over to point at the picture. "He fucking shot himself. They don't say that in the article. I heard he killed his wife, too. Crazy shit huh? They don't say why he did it but I heard his wife was cheating all over town. That's why he did it. I never had him but I saw him around campus all the time. And my girlfriend had him for history. You gonna read that shit?"

"No. I think I'm good."

"Can I have your copy? I think I want to save that picture. I never knew anyone who killed themselves before." I handed him the paper and got up to leave.

Georgia and Jimmy were eating lunch at the coffee shop on campus when I walked by.

"You just get out of class?" She asked.

"Sure. You guys?"

"We're just having lunch."

"Have you seen this?" Jimmy asked, smiling in a way I didn't like. He pulled an envelop out of his bag and handed it to me. I pulled a card out of the envelop, about the size of a photograph. On the front was a fat guy with a can of beer in each hand and no shirt on. Across the bottom of the photo was written "Rock out with your cock out".

"What the fuck is this? I'm not into your gay porn."

"Turn it over." He said with obvious glee. On the back was printed all the details of Ryan's party.

"Oh god."

"I got one too." Georgia practically yelled at me in excitement clawing through her bag to show me.

"If there was a god, he'd kill me." I said but they just laughed at me.

---

Chapter 15 | Suicide and Keg Stands Index | Chapter 17

Posted by Ben Corman at 10:14 AM

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Comments

Personally, I'm not pleased that you named a character after me.

Posted by: Ryan Holiday at February 11, 2008 12:32 PM

I'm glad that you leave no room for the possibility that there are indeed other Ryans out there who the character could have been based on.

Posted by: Ben Corman at February 11, 2008 12:40 PM

i think you should rename adderol girl 'kate.' 'stacey' is either a fat girl with the whole zits/braces/glasses combo or a low-functioning retarded black guy. seriously.

what i need to express to you about this chapter is multifold: a) everyone is so goddamned disaffected. the females are way too sane and agreeable. it's like a collective benzodiazepine trip. b) the dialogue is confusing. i can't tell who's saying what to whom, which might be a subtle dig at the innanity of it all. in that case, i say kudos. c) we know nothing about the status of adderol girl, aka kate. this is a mistake. this is always a mistake because there are so many things that could be going on with her since adderol makes her do crazy shit. right now she could be having tantric sex with her yoga teacher, or snorting rails of coke and fucking her ex, the republican pot-dealer, or she could be hanging out with her 68 year-old broadway producer boyfriend, who's got her tied up to a chair with leather restraints and a ball gag.

see what i mean?

Posted by: kate at February 11, 2008 09:26 PM

You're pretty interested in the Adderall girl, why?

Posted by: Ben Corman at February 11, 2008 09:36 PM

come on, ben. i think we both know the answer to that question..

Posted by: kate at February 11, 2008 09:52 PM

grin, yeah, I guess we do.

Don't worry, she makes another appearance.

Posted by: Ben Corman at February 11, 2008 09:58 PM