Suicide and Keg Stands - Chapter 11 - January 7, 2008

Suddenly it's Thursday morning and I'm standing in front of the coffeemaker. I can't remember how many scoops of coffee I've put into the machine or how many classes I've gone to or how many I've missed. Ryan came out of his room and looked at me.

"Make some of that for me," he said.

"No work?"

"I called out."

"It's Thursday right?" I asked.

"Yeah. You alright?"

"Yeah. I just, you know, need some coffee."

"Cause you were pretty drunk last night."

"What'd we do last night?"

"We didn't do anything. You came in around ten drunk as shit. Then you went to bed."

"Oh."

"Don't even tell me you don't remember what you did yesterday."

"No. I remember. I went to the bar."

"You got class today?"

"I guess."

"You're going to graduate right?"

"Totally. I might even make Honor Roll. Go scholarship."

"Don't be an asshole."

"What's it matter?"

"If you don't graduate, what are you going to do? You quit your internship. You're living off financial aid. The whole point is to get the degree, not get within a quarter and quit."

"It'll work itself out."

"And what if it doesn't?"

"And what if it does? I graduate. Walk across that stage making everyone so proud. Then what?"

"I could probably get you a job at my place. It would be in computer stuff, tech support, they're always looking for people. You wouldn't be doing analysis, but it would be something."

"No thanks."

"Why not?"

"Cause no offense man, but you hate your life. And I don't want to end up there."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"Whatever. I'm not going to be there forever. I got plans."

"Right."

"Seriously. I'm thinking about grad school. And my uncle is doing this commercial real estate development in Arizona. I could go out and work with him."

"You're going to move to Arizona?"

"Maybe."

"Do you even want to do real estate?"

"Sure."

"So you want to get me a job at a company you're looking to quit?"

"I'm just trying to help out."

"Don't."

I was still holding the scoop trying to eyeball how much coffee was in the filter. Finally I just dumped the scoop I was holding in and flipped the switch. Who cares how good the coffee is?

***

When Lynn walked into the bar her eyes were shining, and she put her hand on the back of my neck as she slid onto the stool next to me.

"Hey," she said.

"How's it going?"

"Good."

"Did it help?"

"What?"

"Being home."

"They had me talk to someone, and I think that helped."

"Yeah?"

"I don't know. I kept thinking that there was something I could have done. That it was partly my fault. We just talked a lot about that."

"They wanted me to talk to someone after my mom."

"Did it help?"

"I don't know, I never went."

"Why?"

"I had my own way of dealing with it. Mostly getting in fist fights and drinking."

"I see that not much has changed." She glanced at the beer in my hand.

"I'm not fighting any more. Now I just get punched in the face."

"Protecting my honor," she said with a smile and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't tell her that they wanted me to talk to someone after Sarah as well. I hadn't gone then either.

"But there wasn't?" I asked her.

"What?"

"Anything you could have done."

"That's what she said. Some people do the whole 'cry for help' thing. Some people just hide how much pain they're in, and you never see it coming."

"So what do you do?"

"You try and put your life back together. It doesn't mean I loved him any less, but I'm still here and he's not. So at the end of the day I need to do what's good for me," she said. I bit the inside of my mouth until I tasted blood and blinked back the tears before they could roll down my face. "And I always like going home. How are you?"

"What? Why?"

"I don't know, because that's what people ask."

"I'm fine."

"You sure? You look tired."

"I'm fine."

"How are classes going?"

"I haven't really gone this week."

"Oh." We sat like that for a moment.

"Jimmy's having a thing tonight. You in?" I asked.

"Maybe. My parents drove me down. We're going to have dinner tonight before they head back."

When her glass was empty she dropped a five onto the bar and got up to leave.

"I'll call you tonight. If it's not too late."

"Ok," I said, and she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Then she was gone. I watched her step from the cool darkness of the bar out into the brightness of the day. It was just me and the bartender. He sat reading the paper and I looked around.

"You don't get many regulars?" I asked him.

"Around this time, you're it."

"Oh."

"You want another?"

I looked back towards the door and into the sunlight beyond. I guess I stared too long because he said, "I can close you out."

"No. Give me another one."

---

Chapter 10 | Suicide and Keg Stands Index | Chapter 12

Posted by Ben Corman at 8:59 AM

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Comments

ben. i can't sit around waiting week to week for this sheet (typo but i'm keeping it). i need to know what happens and my attention span isn't that long now that all my adderall is gone. i'm trying to cheat on shrinktalk.net with your blog and unless you commit to this i'm not sure we're gonna work out...

Posted by: kate at January 7, 2008 09:34 AM

"I bit the inside of my mouth until I tasted blood and blinked back the tears before they could roll down my face." There's just something amazing about this line and how it fits in with the dialogue.

Posted by: Ryan at January 7, 2008 12:34 PM

I love your work. I have read many of the different writers on the Rudius sites and I have your writing is the most amazing. I almost can't wait for next weeks and everyone after that.

Posted by: Ian at January 9, 2008 09:13 PM